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Things to Share:

1. Nice vs Kind
2. A method for first drafts

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Nice vs Kind

In a recent coaching session the distinction between nice and kind came up as a lens for approaching uncomfortable conversations. My client felt resistance toward providing tough feedback because she perceived that it might result in hurt feelings and a tense conversation. On the surface the words are similar, maybe even often direct synonyms, but the difference can be profound. Being nice refers to gestures and words, whereas kindness often refers to actions. Kindness also implies compassion, whereas nice is a bias toward pleasing. In the workplace feedback context being nice meant withholding critical feedback so as to avoid upsetting another person. We also uncovered how being nice can be self-motivating, a way to avoid discomfort because you feel bad making someone else feel bad. But if the feedback is knowledge, albeit potentially difficult to hear, that can help the other person grow and avoid mistakes in the future, then it’s likely worth the short-term discomfort. The person giving the feedback believes that passing along that knowledge and support is in the best interest of the recipient. The giver willingly steps into a tense or uncomfortable situation in order to help another person.

I don’t mean any of this to say that kindness is always the right answer. In professional settings, especially with managers and direct reports, it might be a clearer path, but this nice vs kind decision tree exists too in relationships of the personal kind -- friends, family, spouses -- where the right decision is murkier. Timing, circumstances, and relationship dynamics are some of the factors that might dictate different choices.

Perhaps the important part is to be aware of the difference when those moments, or decision trees, arise. Only then can we also become more aware of the true underlying factors that motivate our approach.

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“When you write a story, you’re telling yourself the story. When you rewrite, your main job is taking out all the things that are not the story.” -- Stephen King, On Writing​

Stephen King's craft memoir, On Writing, is one of the great writing books. There are so many lessons and insights that it's worth picking up and skimming on occasion. One good example is that this quote was something that eluded me on the first round of reading. But over time this philosophy or approach to how one writes a first draft of a story compared to revising the same story has worked wonders for me. An editor I worked with once referred to it as the scaffolding that's necessary for the writer to build up the initial story, but that if not culled away during revision can impede the reading experience. Even when I have the broad strokes of a story in my mind, transferring it to paper is a battle. A stubborn resistance takes hold where I'm questioning the shape of the story before I've even put it to the test by writing it down. Stephen King's concept of 'telling yourself the story' is one of the best ways I've found for breaking through that resistance. This may not be exactly true to the letter of Stephen King's advice, but it works for me. If I'm feeling particularly stuck then I'll start writing the story as though I'm explaining it to someone else. It won't take long before I effortlessly move into the voice through scene or a character's actions, breaking free from the shackles of a pure linear recounting of the story. A broader interpretation of this method is espoused by Michael Loveday (Unlocking the Novella-in-Flash) and Matt Bell (Refuse to Be Done). Both writers keep journals of their writing process when embarking on a new novel. They recount not just what happens with particular stories, but also how they feel about the writing and themselves during the process. That kind of self-directed journaling helps to unearth, understand, and overcome any major blockages that stand in the way of a good day's work. As I write this I also realize that I used a similar method with a lot of my consulting projects, writing out the script of how a successful project starts and completes so I could see the details more clearly and identify potential risks. Can a similar form of scaffolding (and scripting) help us better conceptualize and gain momentum with other professional endeavors?

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