​

​

Things to Share:

1. My favorite Annie Dillard quote
2. Solomon's Paradox
3. Questions for your future self

​

I recently began a new book project ghostwriting a client's memoir. Like coaching, it's a personal and vulnerable process and exchange. You listen and ask questions, attempting to understand desires, fears, and the layers of thoughts and feelings that exist below the surface. If done well, the recipient sees and understands something new, but true about themselves. Patterns and insights emerge. The conversations also act as a mirror. We see ourselves in others. By recognizing that we confront similar obstacles as another person we can better empathize and support them, while also gaining new insights about ourselves.

But in lieu of writing a memoir or hiring a coach, how can we practice some of this work ourselves?

​

​Annie Dillard​

I revisit this quote often. It's a reminder of how little control we have, but also a reminder of how important it is to take advantage of what little control we do have (a peace and a haven set into the wreck of time). The first two sentences can be a wake up call, especially if it's clear we are doing what we want to be doing. Are we truly devoting our hours and days to the things we want now and in the future? The schedule is one of our few bulwarks against the passage of time. We get to decide (easier said than done) the daily inputs and practices that form the lifeboat transporting us from one chapter to the next. Those micro decisions add up and compound over time, hopefully forming a pattern that we recognize and are proud of when looking backwards.

​

​Solomon's Paradox​

We are better at solving other people's problems than dealing with our own. A variation of this I've used when coaching small business clients is the old saying that 'the cobbler's kids have no shoes'. The CEO of a marketing agency that does superb work for her clients struggles with self-promotion. A friend who gives wise relationship advice loses sight of how to navigate his own relationship difficulties. When we're giving advice to others there's a certain clarity that comes from our distance to the problem. When it's our own issue, we have to think rationally even while entangled in a complicated web of emotions. It's perhaps why therapists also have therapists, and accomplished business leaders have coaches. A supportive expert helps us gain distance and clarity through an outside perspective. The principle was named for King Solomon, who was a wise and benevolent leader of the kingdom of Israel, but who was undisciplined and inattentive in his own personal life, leading to infidelity and a neglected son who became a cruel leader. For us regular folk, aside from seeing a therapist which we should all do from time to time if not consistently, there are two great ways to deal with Solomon's Paradox. Journaling can create distance and perspective as you write through multiple layers of thoughts and feelings; maybe even writing about yourself in the third person. As strange as that sounds, it works. The other way is to get perspective and insight about your tendencies and proclivities by talking to those who know you best.

​

​Time travel: what if you met your future self?​

Psychologist and professor Hal Hershfield says that we often have trouble making long-term decisions because we lack emotional connection with our future selves. We imagine our future self as another person, which affects how we plan for and take care of the future you. Hershfield says one way of bridging the gap is to imagine our future selves in more concrete and vivid ways. He recommends doing by imagining an interview with your future self and asking the following eight questions:

1. What have you been most proud of and why?
2. In what ways – both positive and negative – have you changed over time?
3. What's something that you miss most from earlier in your life?
4. What actions have you regretted?
5. What actions did you not take that you regret?
6. What’s a time period you'd most want to repeat?
7. What things should I be paying more attention to now?
8. Which things should I stress about a little less?

​

​

​
​

Next Sunday

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for next week. If you aren’t already subscribed, please join my newsletter here. We deliver on Sundays. :)